As any girlfriend worth her weight in salt should know: It’s a major drag when your beau isn’t showering you with the praise and affection you so rightfully deserve.
After all, he is the nucleus of your existence. Your every waking breath revolves around fulfilling his needs, wants and catering to each and every mico-expectation that arises. Why should his priorities be any different?
Its hurtful, and dare I say utterly insulting, when he has the nerve to neglect the woman who metaphorically bends over backwards for him–So much so that her vertebrae is at risk of snapping at any moment–Literal seconds away from being emotionally crippled for life–And he can’t even remember your two week anniversary? Selfish bastard!
Why doesn’t he seem to have any time for you? Aren’t you good enough? Don’t you do enough for him already?
Maybe he keeps his feelings hidden, or begins treating you like one of his buddies. Perhaps he even has the gall to start becoming flirtatious with other women.
You can feel the hideous miasma of jealousy and bitterness rise within you like a toxic, scalding bile.
But put on the brakes, ladies! Before you go into full-blown tire-slashing, bunny-boiling, Bobbitt-mode, here are a few clever tricks you can employ to win back your man’s affection sans a class A felony charge!
05. Cook Him His Favorite Dish!
It’s not a myth that the route to every man’s heart is through his farting, slop-pit of a stomach. If you notice your guy has been stingy with the compliments and cooing, take action and whip up his favorite meal.
Pop a few “dancin’ shoes” in there for good measure and when the shit starts kicking in, handcuff him to the bed for some spur of the moment experimental action!
04. Bone His Friends!
Yes! The best way to ensure your man understands how it feels to be neglected is to engage in salacious activities with his closest chums! Not only will this completely destroy him emotionally, but it will also make him feel like he can never trust anyone ever again!
This could potentially end in the dissolution of your relationship, but at the end of the day you’ve at least let him know that what he made you endure was definitely not okay!
03. Destroy His Personal Property!
This will get the message across loud and clear. That message being that he should have been lavishing you with incessant accolades and catering to your every petty nervous breakdown.
Throw bleach all over his clothes. Set his most prized possessions ablaze. Scrawl willies and homosexual slurs in massive letters with spray paint in obnoxiously contrasting colors all over his car shortly before he has to drive to work.
Just wreck shit. Cuz he wrecked your shit… And stuff.
02. Harass His Family Members And Place Of Employment!
His mother will certainly be aghast when she receives a full color copy of the inappropriate photos he so eagerly sends to women online. Hell, send those pics to everyone on his work detail!
Smash the windshields of every female co-worker he works with because you can certainly bet they are getting more attention than you. BITCHES!
01. Smear Your Own Feces All Over Your Living Room!
Nothing screams “I need more hugs” louder than a shit streaked abode. Go crazy! Pop on your favorite tunes and make a party of it! For added cathartic effect, clench a log of your own stool like an enraged toddler and angrily write his name all over the walls.
When he comes home to find you standing half-naked in the middle of a fecal stained room looking like an unhinged wild animal, you’ll be sure to get the hugs you were after.
These are merely a few suggestions. Get creative, as spontaneity can be a wonderful addition to any relationship. Men find it incredibly endearing to see that their significant other can think “outside of the box” when it comes to getting the constantly influx of attention they want, nay, NEED.
Trust us, he’ll be impressed by your industriousness, and you can rest assured that you will never be ignored again!