Every year, we come to anticipate all the status updates that will be flooding our feeds during the holiday seasons, but do we really stop to think about how easily we indulge the most basic and cliché social media posts? This New Years Eve, we here at — challenge you to recognize these 5 formulaic attempts at public validation and start your New Year off right!
The Blurred Club Scene
This type of social media update is always a photograph, with at least three individuals of varying degrees of inebriation and prominently feature alcoholic drinks. This is the best status update to make everyone believe how popular and well-adjusted you’ll be for the next year! It is also one of the most least annoying posts you could make, because really, all everyone wants to do is live vicariously through your life choices! The well curated usually choose one, but to establish more evidence of how much more fun these people are having, they will post AS MANY AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE.
Home, In Bed
Everyone has at least one of these on their feed, or maybe it is even you! This Facebook post also comes with a picture, for poof and a tedious foil to the aforementioned drunken club scene, but could be a quietly indignant paragraph about how much of an introvert you are at the ripe-old-age of 25. Pictures come with pajamas, blankets, cuddly pets, obligatory Netflix in the background, and deliberately staged drinks ranging from a cup of hot cocoa to an entire box of Franzia! This type of passive-aggressive judgment on how everyone else spends their New Year’s is always charming, and says nothing about your ability to maintain friendships, relationships, or your general ability to have fun.
Video Of The Countdown
This New Year’s Eve on social media is all about “starting your New Year’s off right” by timing things perfectly to an assortment of pop culture references, including, but not limited to influential movie scenes, memorable songs, or sophisticatedly engineered Rupe Goldberg machines designed for suicide! These folks make good on done-to-death jokes by spending their New Year’s Eve planning to execute this perfectly timed task, ignoring time spent with friends and family to deliver both the first laugh of the New Year and the last laugh of the former! Only a selfless person could follow through on this, so be sure to truly appreciate it, even when it fails—because of all individuals, these ones need the most reassurance!
Soap Box Self-Improvement
This type of update is almost always in “journal” or “story form” considering how long winded they typically are, and contains highly personal and often embarrassing information about medical problems, body image or substance abuse. It might detail how they’ve hit an impossible rock bottom, but this year will be all about rising from the ashes, 50 lbs. lighter, sober and back to feeling like a real human being! But considering this type of person has delivered self-improvement or conversely, self-care speeches on previous New Years, we know this this just a set up for an inevitable failure for the next coming year; nobody really likes to see true success on their social media.
New Year’s Eve Kiss
While not as common as the above status updates, this one never fails to circulate somewhere, and always from the most unstoppable romantic on your friend list. These people are usually not shy about public displays of affection on their social media already, with long, bragging proclamations of love, and overly staged pictures of “spontaneous” flowers and hand holding, so it comes to no surprise that their documentation of bringing in the New Year is of sharing a New Year’s kiss together. It often features a tacky, premade border, several different filters, and some evidence of how difficult it was to perfect position their phone camera. They will be sure to remind you of their persevering affection for one another, evidenced by yet another rotation around the sun together!