5 Resolutions To Help Recover From Your New Year’s Eve Blowout

New Year’s Eve is hailed as the one last night of excessive eating, drinking, and merry-making before we have to retire to the sobering reality of our everyday lives; a perfect set up for those infamously short-lived New Year’s resolutions and the consequential rush of shame and failure!

However, there’s nothing stopping you from making resolutions you CAN keep, particularly if they will help you avoid the pitfalls of a night of excess and over-celebration while getting you through yet another year in this senseless existence.

Why not start early, and make obligations you can start on right now to not only help you through the hangover of the century, but also adjust to living in a post-2017 world!

Reconnect With People

Particularly if you vaguely remember saying something regrettable or embarrassing on that fateful night. Write long, overly-honest notes to everyone, including those who were not even there to witness your cringe-worthy behavior. Be sure to include any instances in the last 5 fives years which still haunts you in the most empty moments of your mind, as this will prove to ultimately be cathartic and liberating! There’s nothing more that friends, coworkers, and distant acquaintances want to do than to shoulder your emotional baggage! Opening up and making yourself vulnerable by airing unnecessary confessions will only make people more sympathetic and receptive to your innate social charms and quirky nature!

Eating Better (But With A Twist)

We recommend a dietary combination of healthy superfoods such as organic coconut water, kombucha, and oven-baked kale sprinkled in turmeric, with super delicious food such as street vendor hotdogs and dive bar frozen pizza. Despite what the psy-op saturated mainstream media would have you think, the ladder are prime recovery foods. While the aloe vera smoothies will help rehydrate your body following a 2-day bender,the mega-greasy carb loading the night before will help soak up the excess alcohol in your system to help you feel less drunk, and prepare you for another round! Plus, all your healthy choices will help cancel out the similarly unhealthy, while also punishing yourself for eating an entire stuffed-crust pizza in one sitting. Triple threat!

Intensify Your Social Media Use

In this next tip, we suggest that you increase the frequency in which you post social media updates, such as Intagraming the results of your latest binge, and checking in at trendy clubs so everyone know exactly where you are and when you arrived! If you are already fairly good at keeping your internet followers informed about your latest social plans, or illuminated by current thoughts running through your mind, this shouldn’t be too difficult of a resolution to keep. Additionally, this will help with the above resolution in your attempts to “reconnect” with old friends, acquaintances you’ve fallen out of touch with, and former flames! Making your social life seem as busy as possible is the quickest way of reassuring the world wide web that you are doing well, which is the sole purpose of why we make New Years resolutions, right?

Don’t Drink And Drive

As tempting as it can be to drive home in the privacy of your own company, free scream primitively in a nihilistic rage or to compulsively vomit in your passenger seat, don’t flirt with disaster! If you don’t already practice safe drinking habits, we recommend that you get a designated driver and call someone just after you leave the club. Don’t text them, as those can often be ignored or slept through, and call them as many times as necessary. Explain the situation thoroughly as to emotionally blackmail them into finding you stumbling down a trash-littered sidewalk, looking for shorts to smoke in the gutter. “Would you rather get a call at 2:30 am that I’m dead in a ditch, or would you rather get a call at 2:30 am from your favorite daughter asking for a ride?” Be sure to make sure they will help you retrieve your car the next day as well!

Keep Drinking

In this final tip, we here at Every Woman Weekly recommend this classic binge-drinking advice: “Avoid hangovers, and stay drunk!” Sure, this maybe a corny joke that you’d find on novelty t-shirt or coffee mug, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t true. It won’t seem like your night out on the town this New Years Eve was unintentional or excessive if you are always like this, so keep regularly indulging—that will make it seem less like you have a problem! There’s no reason why the resolution can’t be fun, after all, why call attention to bad behavior when you can celebrate it? There’s still an entire year left for 2018, so why not make it more bearable by keeping the existential horror at bay?

Jane Agni

Jane Agni

Jane M. Agni is a professional journalist residing in the rain-soaked city of Portland, Oregon. She is currently Editor-In-Chief of the websites, Every Woman Weekly, and Self-Worth Digest, in addition to being Senior Journalist for the infamous news satire site, National Report. Follow Jane on Facebook, Twitter, and Google Plus for daily updates on new articles and more.

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