5 New Reasons To Be Unhappy With Your Vagina

“And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you…”
Friedrich Nietzsche
“Beyond Good and Evil”, Aphorism 146

As a woman there are few things more horrifying than your own genitalia. Hidden, thankfully so, between a cleft in your thighs, this reproductive organ seems to inspire feelings of guilt and inadequacy in its owner.

Since the dawn of time women have done everything in their power to try and forget about the yeasty baby oven as well as the monthly curse associated with being a female. It’s challenging enough for adolescent girls who are trying to come to terms with the reeking orifice between their legs. Once puberty kicks in and their flesh-flower starts belching up copious amounts curdled blood on a monthly basis, it’s enough to induce deep and lasting trauma.

The Merkin, sanitary diapers and plethora of deodorants have been used in the past to conceal the vagina’s offensiveness, as well as wipe out the fetid stank relentlessly emanating from a ladies greasy oyster. New advances is science, technology and medicine have begun attempting a more permanent fix for the cruel mistakes of mother nature with new options such as cosmetic surgery and skin bleaching.

These are blessings to womanhood and one of the main reasons I am so grateful to be alive during an era where having your labia surgically shrunk is no big deal. As a woman’s options to overhaul her private part’s appearance grows, so too does the reasons to become displeased with the aesthetic of one’s undercarriage. Why should we accept anything less than relative perfection, right ladies?

Here are five all new reasons to be unhappy with your vagina, starting with…

5. The Length

The vertical length of a woman’s vagina has become a hot topic of debate in recent, more liberated years. It’s generally agreed upon that having a lengthy vulva (measured front to back) is undesirable and indicates dishonesty. Some women have begun requesting skin grafts to shorten the appearance of the vaginal vent. This procedure includes taking skin from an area on the buttock or leg and sewing around the lower half of the labia minora, effectively transforming your secret garden into a tidy little flowerbed.

4. The Inner Texture

“It just felt like… Guts, on the inside, you know?” said Shauna White, an eager recipient of the latest vagina canal smoothing procedure. What that entails is scarring the vagina’s inner walls with high powered cautery lasers. After multiple treatments the scar tissue inside gives a “slicker” more plastic-like feeling than what was originally a very textured and peculiar surface. “I have pretty much zero sensation down stairs… But it’s not about my pleasure, is it? I just want my man to be happy. And It’s definitely a plus that I’m not grossed out by my own body anymore” Shauna confessed.

3. Size Of The Clitoris

Some women are more well endowed than others when it comes to the female pleasure button. In 2008 a study of 800 men decidedly agreed that they enjoyed being with women who’s prepus was small. One of the test subjects revealed: “When a woman’s clitoris is too large it’s almost like a… Small penis, you know? Freaks me out…”

2. Labia Coloration

From the same benevolent Asians that gave us anal bleaching comes a new way to spruce up the coloration of those mottled mud flaps. Many women experience discoloration of their inner and outer labia as they grow older and as their genitalia become more war torn and abused. These unsightly colors can now be reverted back to the factory default setting an beyond with the newly created bleaching mixture specifically designed to lighten those lady parts overnight.

1. Depth

No longer is tightness a concern when it comes to a man’s enjoyment during lovemaking but now the depth of a woman’s vagina is important and can be improved as well. Recently we’ve seen doctor’s ability to deepen the vagina by slicing out a woman’s cervix altogether. This procedure has yet to be performed on a wide scale or approved as a legitimate medical procedure, but doctor’s hope to have it available to the general public within the coming year.

We are so lucky to be living in a time where we’re able to repair our shortcomings to be both more desirable and enjoyable for our partners. My hope is that mankind’s industry and innovation will lead us into a future where all vaginas can go unnoticed.


Jane Agni

Jane Agni

Jane M. Agni is a professional journalist residing in the rain-soaked city of Portland, Oregon. She is currently Editor-In-Chief of the websites, Every Woman Weekly, and Self-Worth Digest, in addition to being Senior Journalist for the infamous news satire site, National Report. Follow Jane on Facebook, Twitter, and Google Plus for daily updates on new articles and more.

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